This blog post is way overdue, been busy again for a period with work, life and everything else in-between. I wasn’t sure what this post would be about, but in the end I just decided I need to vent some thoughts I’ve been having and about what’s been going on in my life. After all, that’s why I started this blog to begin with, to get to put down some of the stuff that’s flooding my mind on a daily basis.
Ever since becoming old enough to understand my surroundings I’ve known I’m different somehow. As a kid growing up I never really felt I fitted in anywhere, and not now as an adult either. However, now I’m old enough to fake it. I did not have many friends when I was a kid and I don’t think connected to anyone at that age either. I had it rough at home and never liked school so I spent most of my time alone by myself doing things I enjoyed. Of course the older I became the more I wanted to belong somewhere. When you start to reach your teens it is also important since high school can be a pretty horrible place to be alone in, with bullying and pressures to confine to an social ladder. I got my fair share of bullying which leaves a mark for life when you grow up. You learn how people work the hard way. Bullying and pressures from my family to act differently made me think there was something wrong with me. That I was stupid, did not matter or my thoughts and ideas where wrong or not worth hearing. It made me afraid to stand up for myself or believe in myself. I became careless of my own health and lacked any self confidence to believe I could ever be happy. I’ve been through many rough patches in my life and I’ve caused myself a lot of pain because I’ve always thought that I was the problem.
Discovering MBTI and finding out about my type, INFJ and being an HSP was the push I needed to realize that the way I was feeling is not wrong and not my fault. A couple of weeks ago I did a Mensa (mensa.com) IQ test. Mensa is a foundation that supports gifted people and the tests they use is one of the only three scientifically validated tests for IQ and are not based on any previous knowledge. I was incredibly nervous attending the test and almost in a bit of a panic at the start, my pulse shooting through the roof. I’ve not done any test in years and I tend to perform bad under pressure when tasks have to be done within a set amount of time. I don’t like being rushed like most introverts. This test was 50 questions that had to be done in 10min max. The reason why I choose to do this test is that I was hoping it would prove something different about myself and help me build on improving my self confidence.
I scored 128 on the test and the maximum score is 131. Which places my score higher then 97% of the rest of the population. I’m convinced that me being a INFJ also contributes to my high test score. I’m still coming to terms with this since I spent most of my childhood being called stupid from my peers. I’m a person that never bragged or tried to act better then anyone else in my whole life, always treated everyone equal. It’s ironic how being gifted and empathic can also cause you so much suffering in life. Drawing from all this self discovery I’ve done in the last year, I have decided that I’m done spending my life trying to be somebody I’m not. Trying to conform to a society and way of living which I do not belong to in the first place. I started therapy half a year ago in hope of being able to get help undoing all the damage done in my childhood and growing up. So far I’m diagnosed GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) and selective social phobia. Yet some days I wonder if these are not just labels that other people give us to explain why we are different from them. More and more I start to think that my personality and traits are more healthy then most people, there just isn’t the proper space for someone like me in todays messed up society.
All I know is I’m done with it. Done trying to blend in with superficial people that will never understand me anyway. It’s no wonder I feel so alienated when half of the people my age only care about how long it’s left until the weekend so they can drink their braincells away. I spent years of my life putting myself in situations which I don’t even enjoy just in order to fit in somewhere. Well maybe I just don’t fit and never will, maybe that is the real deal. Just embrace it because I know there is some greater purpose out there for all of us.
Enough with the ranting, here are some interesting links I suggest you all take a look at. It’s research on giftedness among different MBTI types and more:
Cheers to belonging in the minority, to being awake in a world that is sleeping.