INFJ: The Introvert Dilemma

Wed, 21 Aug 2013 08:49:00 +0000

For most of my life I always wondered where those feelings of wanting to escape when other people approach you come from. Like that hesitation of answering when the phone calls, or not wanting to ask the cashier for help when you can’t find something in the store. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me and I was the only person feeling this way. Well I could not have been anymore wrong then that. This is how life can be when you are an introvert.

Introverts often feel uncomfortable social environments but this does not mean we don’t like other people. This is purely the minds response in showing you that it is wasting energy in these situations. That you have to be careful with how much you spend so you don’t run out. As introverts we only regenerate energy from the inside, being alone in a tranquil environment or when doing something we love. Extroverts on the other hand regenerate their energy from interacting in the outside world and with other people. The more stimulation for them, the more energy. The less stimulation for us, the more energy. The reason for this is that introverted personalities have a inert biological trait of dopamine sensitivity which makes us happy with less stimulation. When introverts get to much stimulation they in turn get to much dopamine in their system and suffer instead. Extroverts don’t have this sensitivity.

Since the world is mostly focused on extroverted qualities and since this is how society tells us how to act, growing up as an introvert can be very confusing, especially as a teenager. I grew up in a country where introverts are more accepted, yet I still had to suffer consequences for being an introvert. The biggest dilemma is keeping people close when you don’t always want them close to you. To make relationships and friendships last when you don’t have the energy to see people all the time, and as often as extroverted people might want you to.

Being an INFJ I have to withdraw at times to do stuff I’m interested in and work on things alone because this is part of who I am. It makes me feel centered in my life and if I don’t get this alone time, I get stressed, frustrated and agitated. The problem is that even if I have a great time with other people for a long time and don’t think I need to be alone, I will hit the wall of no energy left at some point and need to withdraw. Even if I was enjoying myself. Explaining how this works for other people has always been a challenge.

The best thing has been to make sure you have a bunch of introverted friends that feel the same way as you do. Extroverted friends is of course good in their own way as well to keep you balanced. You should just make sure that even when you can’t see all your friends at times, keep in touch with them so your withdrawal doesn’t send them the wrong idea. In relationships it is a good idea just to explain to your partner that you are introverted and that you need alone time, which has nothing to do with them personally. The world is an extrovert playground and people tend to think bad things about introverts because most do not understand what it really means, especially extroverts. Many introverts do not understand themselves either and it is important to know that this is a trait your are born with biologically, and something that you cannot completely change. When you accept this and start to live your life and build your relationships on who you are, you will be on your way to living a happier life.

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INFJ Social Skills: Surviving in Your Social Life

Sun, 04 Aug 2013 14:29:00 +0000

One of the core talents of INFJs is our interpersonal skills. We are good at getting people to like us and at keeping harmony in the social environment around us. I never realized these things about myself until discovering my personality type and reading about it. I simply thought that most people function like I do. A perfect example of my INFJness in practice is when sitting around a table talking to people. In this situation I want to have eye contact and at some point address everybody around the table personally, in order to make them feel important and included. If somebody is silent to long and I sense that they might feel excluded, I always find a way to address them to push them back in to the conversation. This even happens unconsciously for me and I just do it without thinking. Another thing is that sometimes I let people be wrong in order for them to feel good about themselves. Like when somebody wants to tell you a story which it turns out you have already heard. I don’t want to tell them that, since people get excited entertaining each other. They might tell it to you wrong or inaccurate and instead of pointing it out to them I let it go since there is no reason to argue or give remarks on such minor things.

One of the reasons we focus on keeping harmony in the social realm around us has to do with the nature of our auxiliary function Fe (Extroverted feeling). The nature of Fe is to express our emotions outward, applying what’s inside us to the outside world. This is the reason why INFJs occasionally can get very irritated, angry and complaining when we don’t feel harmony on the inside. Or the opposite when people around us are very happy, which in turn feeds our Fe and makes us even happier. I read an article awhile ago and in it they mentioned this as the ‘oil on fire’ effect. Whatever feelings burns inside us gets intensified from equal feelings from the outside world, i.e. pouring oil on the fire ignites it more. Of course this is both a good and a bad thing for an INFJ as it can be a source of anxiety and overloading us with feelings.

A problem with being and INFJ sometimes is that I can doubt that other people like me or enjoy my company. This in turn make me try even harder and give more to people around me. Often however we can end up being taken advantage of when we put ourselves in such situations. It all has to do with self confidence and being highly idealistic often comes with having a not very balanced self esteem. It is not that we don’t value ourselves, it is that we often value others higher because we care about them. The reality in it all is that even though we feel so different and are different, people often tend to like us even though we think that they don’t. Sometimes after interacting with a lot of people, I can realize that I did better then I felt I did at the time. I can remember so many times people and even complete strangers, opened up to me and talked about things most would not without knowing each other better. How mentally unstable, mentally ill and people that are hurting tend to be drawn to me in some magical way. Among a group they often feel most comfortable talking to me because I never judge them like other people do.

It is because people are insecure about themselves and even though they might not understand it consciously, unconsciously they feel that you can see past their imperfections and understand them and who they really are on the inside. Sometimes this might have the opposite effect with shallow people, maybe they sense that we see past their persona and know that there actually is nothing else there besides fear and insecurities

The core of it all is that we want to bring social harmony to our outside world and the people in it because it also fuels us and makes us feel better about ourselves in the end. However, when other people feel bad, we feel bad. I would go so far as to say that we have one of the purest forms of empathy. We can feel exactly what other people feel and therefore we can relate and understand people, even at times better than they can understand themselves. INFJs are deep, caring and kind people at heart. We see and feel so much of the world and it affects us in such a way that it’s highly unlikely for us to ever want to hurt other people. We want to help them because helping them is in turn also helping ourselves.

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INFJ: The Introvert Dilemma

INFJ Social Skills: Surviving in Your Social Life