relationships – INFJ Ramblings

INFJ Sexuality and Relationships

Fri, 29 Nov 2013 21:13:00 +0000

I’ve written before about how emotionally demanding relationships can be for INFJs and I though I’ll touch on it again in this post. This past week has been quite rough on me and some of my close relationships, so this is all very fresh in my mind right now. Today was one of those days where I once again felt like I just hit a brick wall running, in my expectations on others and my never ending struggle to keep relationships which are healthy for me. I guess it all boils down to the classic case of we INFJs longing to be able to relate to someone and be accepted for who we are. We pick our relationships carefully and when they let us down it hurts us more then most people. Because that act proves our ideal about this person to be false, and it was that ideal that made us invest our time and emotions in these people to begin with. Not only do the person let us down but we also let ourselves down in believing that it would be any different. As we INFJs all know we tend to praise our ideals highly so this can be a real punch to our belief in our own abilities.

As with everything when it comes to INFJs, when it rains it really pours. This whole week set me up in a negative emotional spiral where I ended up internalizing everything to the brink of feeling physically ill. I’ve been there so many times before but still I never realize it in the moment. Afterwards when I finally gain some footing and perspective I can look at it with fresh eyes and feel stupid. Stupid that I let these things get to me on such a deep level. Hell maybe I am bipolar, maybe being INFJ equals bipolar to some degree, or bipolar equals INFJ who knows. Before considering writing this, being the INFJ that I am, I of course googled and read everything there is on bipolar and MBTI. Ironic enough being bipolar is more common among INFx’s, and so is depression. No wonder my friend letting me down spun me completely out of proportions and I ended up feeling that I’m either way of the chart with my expectations on relationships or I will be alone for the rest of my life. These are the times I completely despise being an INFJ, dragging myself down an bottomless pit, being my own worst enemy. Caught in the thought loops in my mind endlessly contemplating that when life doesn’t work out, it must either be something wrong with the world or something seriously wrong with myself. With the latter often winning the battle.

I can’t seem to get a grip on these things in the moment, when emotions are running high. At some point I always swing back into reality and see it for what it really is. I know I have unrealistic expectations on people sometimes because I expect them to think like me. What I forget is that I’m an INFJ, and most of the world are not. They do not think like me or see what I do. Even though the world would probably be better off if it did. Thanks for reading, end of rant… :)

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INFJ: The Introvert Dilemma

Wed, 21 Aug 2013 08:49:00 +0000

For most of my life I always wondered where those feelings of wanting to escape when other people approach you come from. Like that hesitation of answering when the phone calls, or not wanting to ask the cashier for help when you can’t find something in the store. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me and I was the only person feeling this way. Well I could not have been anymore wrong then that. This is how life can be when you are an introvert.

Introverts often feel uncomfortable social environments but this does not mean we don’t like other people. This is purely the minds response in showing you that it is wasting energy in these situations. That you have to be careful with how much you spend so you don’t run out. As introverts we only regenerate energy from the inside, being alone in a tranquil environment or when doing something we love. Extroverts on the other hand regenerate their energy from interacting in the outside world and with other people. The more stimulation for them, the more energy. The less stimulation for us, the more energy. The reason for this is that introverted personalities have a inert biological trait of dopamine sensitivity which makes us happy with less stimulation. When introverts get to much stimulation they in turn get to much dopamine in their system and suffer instead. Extroverts don’t have this sensitivity.

Since the world is mostly focused on extroverted qualities and since this is how society tells us how to act, growing up as an introvert can be very confusing, especially as a teenager. I grew up in a country where introverts are more accepted, yet I still had to suffer consequences for being an introvert. The biggest dilemma is keeping people close when you don’t always want them close to you. To make relationships and friendships last when you don’t have the energy to see people all the time, and as often as extroverted people might want you to.

Being an INFJ I have to withdraw at times to do stuff I’m interested in and work on things alone because this is part of who I am. It makes me feel centered in my life and if I don’t get this alone time, I get stressed, frustrated and agitated. The problem is that even if I have a great time with other people for a long time and don’t think I need to be alone, I will hit the wall of no energy left at some point and need to withdraw. Even if I was enjoying myself. Explaining how this works for other people has always been a challenge.

The best thing has been to make sure you have a bunch of introverted friends that feel the same way as you do. Extroverted friends is of course good in their own way as well to keep you balanced. You should just make sure that even when you can’t see all your friends at times, keep in touch with them so your withdrawal doesn’t send them the wrong idea. In relationships it is a good idea just to explain to your partner that you are introverted and that you need alone time, which has nothing to do with them personally. The world is an extrovert playground and people tend to think bad things about introverts because most do not understand what it really means, especially extroverts. Many introverts do not understand themselves either and it is important to know that this is a trait your are born with biologically, and something that you cannot completely change. When you accept this and start to live your life and build your relationships on who you are, you will be on your way to living a happier life.

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INFJ in Love: On INFJ Relationships and the Best Match

Sat, 17 Aug 2013 13:28:00 +0000

When it comes to dating it seems like my interest follows a pattern. I’m not often interested in people that are similar to myself. It seems like I’m draw to opposites of myself, people that complete me in a way. The bad thing is that often these relationships don’t tend to work out in the end since in some situations you end up being on different planets so to speak. It might be difficult to get along since your opinions about things are so different. Still, interestingly enough I am drawn to extroverted people even though dating testsonline tells me that my perfect match would be an INFP.

Why does this happen?

I think it is the minds way of wanting to complement itself and in many ways it is quite a nice experience. Extroverts bring introverts out of our heads and you don’t have to take the lead in conversations, something we might struggle with naturally. As INFJs we are also expressive and interested in people, so we are often mistaken for extroverts. However as a match I think extroverts can also be though to be in a relationship with if you don’t get enough space and alone time.

Often people search in others the thing they are missing in themselves. Which is why people can be attracted to the complete opposite. We all know the cliché of the blonde good-looking nice girl who is attracted to the mean bad-boy type of a guy. It’s natures way of completing itself, the hunter gatherer sense that’s adapting to the environment to survive. We cannot only be hunters or only gatherers among mates, in order to survive.

In my past relationships people who needed to be taken care of or struggled in life tended to be attracted to me especially. I think it is because of the INFJ way, we are natural counselors and mentors who genuinely care about other people. We are good at helping people get ahead in life and people trust us and our judgments. Maybe it is also because we INFJ often struggle as well at times in our lives.

Overall I’m interested in original or unusual people, people that have a passion for something or a goal they want in life and are prepared to work for it. I feel most of the world are shallow and often the ‘good ones’ so to speak, are the odd types and people that had to work for something in their lives to get where they are. I guess it all has to do with how we value ourselves as INFJs and generally I find it hard to connect to sensing type personalities. To me they seem like being from a different planet when it comes to values, morals and actions.

Personally I think ENxx types can be good in relationships with INFJs. You complement each other and are also able to connect on the same abstract level in discussions and interests. Other introverted personalities, INxx can of course be good as well and from some I heard it can be close to magical. However, I think it is important to make sure that both your introverted natures don’t hold you back in each of your own social lives and in doing stuff out in the real world. As two introverts it’s easy to feel that having each other is enough and you don’t need other people, and then you end up isolating yourselves from the world.

Dating can be a tough thing for the INFJ type since we can have a hard time with strangers and getting out of our shell. Personally I’ve tried all my life to get comfortable in these situations and places like pubs, bars and clubs but without much luck. We are not very adapted to this type of environment and I tend to be better off at home parties or dinners when it comes to meeting new people. Hitting on the other sex is something I’ve never really done with the point of only showing interest either. Usually flirting comes natural to me in a discussing and never had to make a big effort with it or to plan it ahead. Still, picking up people in bars and clubs have never been my thing and I always want to get to know people more before I feel comfortable.

To finish all of this off, I would like to recommend a website. Online dating is something that can be a good thing to try for introverted types and I would recommend you this one if you are interested:

http://www.okcupid.com/

The good thing about okcupid is that you get to answer questions and it maps your personality. This information the website then use to match you to other people with similar values and interests. Some people also take the MBTI tests on the website so you can find people with certain personalities as well.

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